ASK WINSTON! Are you having problems? Well fear no more! the Greatet Ever Briton* can help! QUESTION 23 Jonathan asks: "Winnie my old mate, Is my cat, Tooley completely fucking mad? And if so will she ever be a normal cat?" winston says:Jonathan, first let me tell you that I consider swearing to be the domain of the ill-educated and the most callous members of our society. Secondly, I have to tell you that it is you sir, that is clearly mad. Tooley has been a faithful and affectionate friend of yours, but your constant swearing has driven this poor moggy up the walls. Cut it out if you and Tooley are to be saved from the very depths of hell. Jonathan then replied with: Humble apologies for my misuse of the beautiful language that is English. I have forthwith relinquished the use of the language known as foul and have embarked on a journey into complete self expression without the need for abusive and colourful words. may i ask if it would be proper to request that Tooley refrains from using the litter tray and opt for a more user/owner friendly option of the garden. I have pruned an area and made it comfortable for the required postions needed for her to complete the tasks of evacuation. My only predicament is that with this blighty weather we have down here it all seems a trifle unfair to expect the feline to go outside. My wife, for example would not dream of lifting her skirt next to the bird bath, so why should Tooley? The smell in her room is overpwering on occasions and with this in mind I would rather she pollutes the outside air rather than the air around my refridgeration unit. A tired winston responds:Sir, dogs should definitely relieve themselves outside. They are strong beasts and can take our cruel winters. I would not advise, however, comparing your wife to a dog. QUESTION 22 Sue asks: "Should i go to the cinema tonight or save my money?" winston says:You certainly should go to your local picture house. When there’s a war on, it’s important to keep the spirits up with the latest news reel. QUESTION 21 Russell asks: "Given that the existence of a higher power negates human free-will, and that British and American law are essentially based on Christian teachings, should we dispense with the human (and therefore inferior) justice system based on retribution/rehabilitation and accept all events as part of God's divine master plan?" winston says:What, like the Indians? Though I can see the logic in your argument Russell, I fear for the worst if we do not take action. Take for example (and this is my favourite one) the situation of the evil hun Hitler trying to invade our green and pleasant land. If we had let it continue and said ‘God will sort it out’ we would now be eating bratwurst and watching the SS frogmarch down our streets. There is one simple flaw in your statement. The existence of a higher power does not negate human free-will – except in Germany, Mother Russia and Japan. QUESTION 20 Laura has a question that may lead to Winston causing offence: "What is the best way to make a proper cup of tea?" winston says:Get your wife to do it. For me, the most important thing is the biscuits. Never forget the biscuits! Or you will be shot. Like a dog. A mongrel. QUESTION 19 Robert asks: "I am worried about the new threats of global terror. Can we ever really defeat Al-Qaeda when we have no clear enemy to actually fight?" winston says:We can always defeat our enemy. We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Iraq, we shall fight in Tora Bora and in kebab shops, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength on the internet, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight in the council estates, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender. Put me back in power and we will have our VAQ day (Victory over Al-Qaeda). England expects that every man will do his duty! That includes you young man. *As should be quite obvious by now, Winston's opinions do not necessarily reflect those of the host. Infact, the host thinks Darwin was a greater Briton. He can express this opinion as Winston never actually looks at this page. QUESTION 18 Portavogie's Kate O'Ninetails wants to know: "Winston, are you of the opinion that theories are more true if they rhyme? For example, 'if in doubt, give it a clout' or, 'you can't get quicker than a Kwik Fit fitter?" winston says:Oh absolutely young lady! Let me give you a few examples that I often refer to: “The German hun, they are no fun”; “I’ve never seen a back bone littler, than that of the madman Hitler”; “I always felt completely zen, sitting in No. 10”; “Chris talked about Clemmy’s bra, I felt he went a bit far”; “I gassed the Kurds, because they smelled of turds”. QUESTION 17 Gill has this on her mind: "I have a pet Schnauzer and in the tradition of his Germanic heritage he regulary gets the most gay haircut in the world, which is not only humiliating for him as he garners the laughs of people passing in the street but it embarasses me greatly as my husband also looks like a camp boy-band member and we look like the Village People when popping down to Somerfield. I prefer him long-haired and Gromit-like ( the dog not the husband ), so my question is this - do I stay true to the dog's pedigree and risk further taunts over his homoerotic Hun coiffure or do I resist said cultural codes of convention and leave him looking like a tight-fisted, Pontefract cake-eating, pit-yakker in the style of said Yorkshire plasticine film-god?" winston says:Donder und Blitzen! This is more like the questions I was hoping for! Right young lady, you must listen to my advice very carefully. You have to understand the complexity of the Germanic mind. The hun have never been known for their style inspired haircuts. Just look at the barnet of Hitler and all those blonde-mullet-adorned Berlin Wall smashers. So my reckoning is that your Schnauzer, far from dreading his homoerotic haircut, actually relishes it. If you can’t live with this fact and accept it, then I suggest you trade up to a British Bulldog. QUESTION 16 Chris wants to know: "what are the key benefits to multicultural britain?" winston says:Cheap labour, Robertson’s marmalade and the finest silk. QUESTION 15 For some unknown reason, Russell asks: "where is my left shoe?" winston says:Next to your right shoe. QUESTION 14 Augustus asks a splendid question: "what does chris look like?" winston says:He looks like a great and proud lion. His roar smoulders under his golden mane. One moment you feel you are truly in the presence of Aslan, the next you fear your head will be ripped from your human shoulders. QUESTION 13 Someone, possibly called Neha asks: "Who am I?" winston says:Your name is Neha Von Rundstein and you are a wanted Nazi war criminal. We will track you down Neha, despite your taunts. QUESTION 12 Meryck wants to know: "What's the meaning of life?" winston says:The meaning of life is to be free, to stand-up for yourself against evil aggressors, do not be afraid, be strong and you will always win out in the end. Never forget, my dear, that every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb. But don’t forget your cigars. QUESTION 11 Anthony from Bangor asks: "I once stayed up all night in a cafe in Farringdon with a bloke who reckoned he'd met one of your palladins - one of eleven assassins that answered directly to you. Was I sexually molested and does Cillit Bang really work?" winston says:It would not surprise me. I did indeed have assassins who I used to pick off those I did not like. Such as JFK, Marilyn Monroe and Rod Hull. TV Ariel? I think not! To answer your question on whether you were sexually molested I need an exact date and time, then I can enquire with the appropriate civil defence authorities. As for Cillit Bang, I fear not. I suggest Lifebuoy’s range of excellent soaps. QUESTION 10 Paul enquires: "Is it really wrong to taste earwax? Could we have some general guidance on the broader picture too... i.e. bogey's / scabs and ..well anything else that folk may feel comfortable with too (including their own bodily fluids" winston says:The youth of 1940 and today have something in common. They need to learn to learn some manners! No, it is not acceptable to do any of the things you allude to in your question. We fought a war for people like you! QUESTION 9 Shaazia isn't afraid to say: "I've got the fear. What happens if my ipod breaks? A dear friend recently lost all his music and has gone into denial. What the hell is Lost all about?" winston says:Pah, modern technology! What you need is a gramophone. Not only is the sound quality excellent, but they also make very handy weapons. Never know when the swine will turn up... Lost? I once got lost in No.10. It was 05 hundred hours and I’d just been to the lavatory. Couldn’t find my way back to the bedroom. Clemmy found me asleep the next morning in the maids pantry! QUESTION 8 Simen P, who is a bit worried, may get relief after asking: "Dear, Winnie. I don't get logarithms, does it matter?" winston says:Yes. You will always fail in life if you don’t know thorough arithmetic. Look at Hitler, he didn’t know logarithms either. QUESTION 7 Jens the Swede aks: "Winston, I'd like to know who'd win in a fight between Richard Stilgoe and Cedric Pioline. Who'd your money be on?" winston says:Richard Stilgoe of course! He is British and the British always win. I predict he and Pioline are actually friends and the real fight is with Boris Becker. Becker is picking on Pioline, he’s all over him. Stilgoe has to step in and save the day. It’s a reccurring theme. QUESTION 6 The quizzical Brian asks: "Are you any relation to WC Fields (or the same person even)? You look a lot like him and you even have the same initials (WC = Winston Churchill). How can we you and WC Fields apart?" winston says:There is only one Winston Churchill. I am the greatest Briton you know. There are no impersonators. Well, except my grandson. He tried to emulate his grandfather, but failed like a wet dog. QUESTION 5 A potentially dangerous dmouse enquires: "i have a de-commissed v2 rocket on my allotment do you think i can fix it and sell on ebay. cheers dmouse." winston says:You have one of those? How much do you want for it? I’ll take it and use it for my own purposes. I’ll have one of my servants fix it up and fire it back at the dark dark heart of industrial Nazi Germany. I’ve always wanted one to exact my revenge. You have made my day Mr Mouse! QUESTION 4 A chipper young fellow called Ped may be slightly disgusted after asking: "Hello Winston. Do you think that David Blunkett realises that his new bird is quite fit?" winston says:Anthony Eden once said to me, “A blind man will always know he is with a fit bird because he can still touch her up”. I think that answers your question young man. QUESTION 3 An intruiged Jen asks: Regarding the great impressionist movement, what artist would have best captured the true spirit of Elvis Presley (Vegas years)? winston says:Undoubtedly Claude Monet. This Elvis... He’s one of these new delinquent rockers isn’t he? The army will soon sort him out! QUESTION 2 A concerned Adrian asks: What are your tips when it comes to dealing with cigar-breath? winston says:Enjoy it, it gives one an air of power. My wife Clemmy however can’t stand it and forces me to drink a special concoction, the recipe for which was given to me by a tribesman during my service in the Boer War. Take one baby zebra whisker and mix with a tablespoon of tepid water, a small ground up yam and 10 African dung beetles. Think of England and down it in one. Your breath will be fresher than a British seaside breeze. QUESTION 1 the 1st question was submitted by chris from Simulacrum, possibly to test if this works. it does. chris asked: who am i? winston says: "Young man, you are Briton’s worst ever interviewer. Voted for by the great British public (citizens of the Empire were not included), this result was relayed to me by the delightful Anne Robinson, live from BBC Broadcasting House at 11 hundred hours today. You even beat Wogan! But you do have a nice hair cut." about winston Voted the Greatest Briton, Winston is actually half-American. He also ordered the gassing of the Kurds and bombing of the French soon after the Nazi’s had overrun them. But despite that, he smoked cigars and looked nice. Winston sees psychedelic drugs as a gateway to purgatory, a place he once visited while at the Glastonbury festival. DISCLAIMER: Winston cannot find gold or stop STI's. 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